Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
Well here is the news (lol or the update):
I am currently dating Kyle, the ex-boyfriend and things are going very well :D! Which I am really pleased about because as we all know, it seemed to take forever to get on with it and then BLOOP we are together lol. I am finally capable of breathing thanks to the Summer time and being free of some issues involved with CGHS. I won the treasurer position in Key Club and I am so excited to be doing something that can really help other people and I get to play with money (: yay! Right now we are working on getting the city to build overhangs above bus stops, its always upsetting seeing people standing in the heat or rain waiting for a bus and not being protected from the sadness of Florida climate.
I am taking an SAT class to help me get a better score and so far I am getting better at knowing the right answer, but I have a problem with one of the kids that goes to CGHS and I am ready to punch him...lol gee I hate Angaddeep and well an obvious kid I hate...lmao he sent a strange AIM chat and acted so bizzare, but I could instantly tell it would be him because who else would?! He he, ughm I changed my room around >_< I can't think much of what to tell you. The details are just life, but I have so many, too many to tell. I haven't gotten my license yet, but one day it will happen and I will actually be okay with the Drive lol.
mmmmmm, well I think that's a good enough update in my opinion. I love to hear from everyone, well not everyone, but most people.
the lie i wished for, i got.
when the world swirls, you tend to fall so you don't have to fight the swirl anymore.
the fear catches a glimmer in his eyes.
"You are a child!" he screams, spit flies in the air and his face turns red.
I have child! I cry out, and begin to stand up, to stand for myself.
his face changes, not much, there is still anger, but true horror begins to seep through the wrinkles of his crimson face.
" What?!" he stands above me, towering over, hands raised. his hands are raised, he looks so mad, so scared, so angry at me.
I will not be with this anymore!! i cry out, its too much, it has been too much, and i want nothing to do with it anymore.
"You are not anymore" he grabs my shoulders and shoves me against the wall. I flinch and whimper as my head hits the wall sized glass, i hear a crack, but my own anger clears the daze i feel.
Get off me!! I am tired of YOU!! I feel nothing for this anymore, GET OFF OF ME!! I push my body against his hands, my upper body moves towards him but my arms are still held against the mirrors, i feel my snarl, i feel the hatred burning my skin, making me so warm.
" You are nothing" he puts his face against my ear, his words blow my hair out of the way, he whispers as if he has realized the resolution, and in this instance his hands bruise my arms, his nails pierce my skin. he has no nails, but they sink into my skin.
Get the hell off of me!! I picked someone else, now get the fuck off of me! i shout in his ear as he nuzzles his face into the curve of my neck.
"I hear what you picked, I hear what he says of you. I hear how he feels of you. I hear that he hates you, that the thought of you brings the thought of hate. that he tires of you and that what you called child, he rejects!"
the anger in me had brought tears, but the words sliced through me. i pull the knife out of the pocket of my jeans and shove it at him, but he catches my hand and throws it across the room, it hits a couch leg. my chance out hits the couch leg. he turns back towards me and slaps me across the face, i fall to the floor.
Your heart beats so loudly, I feel it through your chest.
I lay wrapped in arms, God, my life is a mess.
You smile, you kiss, you rip me apart.
It isn't your fault, it's me, I had given you me heart.
The bruises, the broken self esteem,
the empty promises make me want to bleed.
i miss you, i finally feel emotionless and alone.
crack in the seal, the contents has all gone.
i want to cry and hold you, like your own tight grip.
but the fear of rejection stops me, i'm scared, i'll slip.
it's all okay though,
i won't be here to watch you hate me.
i won't be there for you to avoid me.
i won't let there be a chance to be tired of me.
not after this week. not after next week.
last night was the start, the start of something
you never thought would really happen.
maybe you hoped, maybe you prayed.
but, baby, darling, love, i cant read minds.
and i've made up mine.
Mood: i want the world
I want to cry and I want to be able to breathe and I just want so many things and none of them are happening.
I am just left to be by myself, let myself consume myself.
and the one person I want so much apart of, is desperately trying to push me as far away as possible.
I think it hurts more to be pushed away than anything else.
I want, god, i want so much from this fucking person and they won't let me have anything.
I'll take anything I can get, I want to do the past two years over again please.
I messed up and want a redo.
I feel like begging for a redo, but redo's dont happen.
they don't exist and I desperately need it before this hole in my chest gets any bigger.
BE WITH ME, just look at me, just smile, just do anything and i don't mind what it is.
I am on desperation and i don't care.
dignity and respect and dependence dont matter to me unless you want it from me.
I just want you, and no one else will be good enough.
why can't you keep your promises and just be with me?
thats all I want. you and me together for as long as life will let us be.
please, give me a better chance to win you over.
I can do it, just please love me and want me as badly as i need you.
I miss you and the world we developed, please just be with me.
I don't care what the world says, I don't care the people I leave for you.
you mean so much and it, this, hurts too much for me to just give up.
you hurt, broke, destroyed my spirit, i lost confidence, hope and respect for myself.
i should hate you, but i miss everything about you and i don't when i'll get better and just stop.
I would do a million things for you.
and a million things would never win you over.
you hurt me so bad, and all I want is for you to make it stop.
I know you read this.
YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE
you write the last chapter kid.
So pretty much I started a notebook journal to keep track of myself. I started maybe a couple of days ago and it's pretty ridiculous. Ughm well people have been asking me whats really going on and I can tell you: something not like before.
I plan on a lot of things and I plan on a lot of things not going smoothly. I live a messy life and I could only expect it to be messy.
I feel like maybe nothing good will be happening but who knows?
i felt like writing a poem, lol, so i did :]
my heart keeps on breaking,
pieces keep on being taking.
tomorrow may not be mine
and maybe tomorrow,
tomorrow will be the last time.
who knows where my life will be?
who knows the life i lead?
all we do and all we want,
is to love,
love a heart.
i miss myself,
i miss a lot.
i gave it up,
i forfeited the shot.
tomorrow may not be here,
tomorrow might be there.
but who knows if i will be too?
i died, not you.
the end lol thats the end of that one :]
the ending could be either i died not you; i died because of you; i died for you; i love(d) you; i miss(ed) you; or whatever you wanted lol it could be anything, its a poem so i dunno.
My name is MyLe,
but really it's not.
My name is Elizabeth,
but it isn't really.
I don't feel any of this.
I see it in a weird way.
None of this has to do with me.
You have nothing to do with me.
I will disappear,
and nothing will affect me.
Everything is meaningless.
SO why not do shit?
Because all I am is a host...
Revenge is sweeter when you don't have to do anything to feel better :]
Grecia smells bad,
and apparently has a roast beef sandwhich vag.
I feel better :]
AND I am not just being mean, she isn't very nice
...at all, and talks about her camel toes everyday
...and she said I had a loose vagina and I was heartless,
so...yeah I am pretty okay with what I am hearing of her.
Atleast my friends don't talk shit about my vag,
and aren't desperately trying to escape my mushroom cloud of stench :]
I feel like I got one point and she got -four.
I suppose one step closer to being temporarily happy! woot woot...this made me an asshole....-_-
Mood: YAY for J
You really don't know the things I get myself into...
list of people have hurt me in my life:
And in some way, I haven't forgiven myself more than any of the others. And this is one of my confessionals. The stupidest confession to exist, but I know the many of the people in my current life who think this is a big deal.
Mood: Atleast I haven't died.
Cut me to the moon.
I don't know what to say. I think Love is great, splendid, makes your life worth living, but I'm so tired of reading an ENTIRE magazine dedicated to your boyfriend and you. WHAT THE FUCK? Why do I have to feel so singled out from a fucking magazine?! Like really? People are hard enough to deal with, but a magazine? WHY! -_- FUCK YOU MAGAZINE...yeah so away from that topic. SO yeah, me and my teacher talk almost everyday on facebook chat and SO when we get back from break he doesn't look at me when I walk in, I think oh okay I see how it is, we are not friends. Then in the middle of class when I'm lost in some cloud world, he goes " And over winter break me and MyLe got into an arguement about who knew more about Unicorn magic" as soon as he says it I am beyond mortified, I turn red, get a huge heat wave and hide in my Lisa Whatever notebook. Ana goes to me "what?!" and I tell her yeah we talked for like two hours and it was fun. Then stupid Ankidep won't stop asking me about it. He goes "Why does Mr. Davies only talk to you and not anyone else?" I tell Ankidep I don't know, I didn't bother to ask him. AND THEN!! Kyle has the nerve to ask " Are you having an affair with your teacher?" I look at him -_- "If I was having an affair, I would be bothering to get with you and YES I AM HAVING AN AFFAIR WHY ELSE WOULD I BE DEFENDING MYSELF AGAINST JOKER OVER HERE!?" Jerk off had pushed my buttons. I like lunch, but not when I am being accused of doing the dirty with my freakin teacher! [FYI! he is like 23, skinny, lanky, brown hair, glasses, reminds me of Evan, slightly attractive, but I have 0 crush on him, and to be honest he is much of a square as me so no affair would ever happen]. And after my lunch of dispair, Alan listened to Kevin Grizel and me singing to him about One Night At Roxbury. We head bobbed to one side while I sang the background noise and Kevin sang the words. It was great. My poster got destroyed through out the day >_< compeletely demolished, never to stand again. Poor poster. Watkins tells me in 7th hour " MyLe you seem happier after break" and I go yeah? and he tells me "Nothing wrong with it, its nice" and I thought its because I'm free.
Mood: you make me wonder why.
ughmmmmmmmmm lol Hi :] long time since I updated lol. Ughm so pretty much failing at life. All over again. YAY. I am failing Chemistry and am socially retarded lol. I got dumped on the eve of Thanksgiving and have been on a couple of "dates" but I am not really ready for anyone else. I got a hair cut[e] and it looks pretty good I must say. I dont really wear my hair in a pony tail anymore, I guess that means I'm growin' up lol. I talk to my teacher for hours which definitely sounds bad. And its so much fun but :[ well frowned upon. I miss my former boyfriend and I am trying to soo hard to move on with the left over parts of my life.
"my so called life"
tonight evan matt and ryan maybe and i are going out for a ride :]
i will update afterwards but tonight i cant wait!
update from this and the past week
okay so here it is.
me and kyle broke up.
he tells me he doesnt care anymore i say lets stay friends he says we will be good friends.
he says talk to you later, i say have a happy thanksgiving.
he tries to kill himself.
i dont know what happened.
we talk the next day through text, he was fine, happy, good, dandy.
i cry on thanksgiving. i lost my love to depression and i desperately want him back.
i see him monday, im prepared.
i have a good first few hours. friend gives me a cupcake. i say whats this for?
she says i need to talk to you. talk was fine. she says he cheated on you and tried with amanda lutz.
i say i am okay i am okay i am beyond fine, then i see amanda lutz. she waves hello.
acting nice like she cares. god i hate people. i scream up at her you cheat with him?
i am sitting if i forgot to mention it. she says no but he asked. i scream and walk away.
wait MyLe she says, i say fuck you amanda lutz!
i am fuming, beyond pissed. i break the cupcake i destroy it. i was fine and then it went to hell.
i am angry, i dont work in class, my teacher says to calm down. i dont, her words lose sound.
i curse at everyone. someone waves i told them fuck you and started texting.
i need an outlet, i need to feel the people i trust that havent betrayed me.
i want to be alone, at home, tear him apart, tear amanda lutz limb to limb. cut her into tiny pieces and put them in a blender.
why did she have to walk and wave at me?
i scream and leave for 7th hour, i curse at everyone. friend tries to say something. friend gets a fuck you and a shut your mouth from me.
i fume. ben asks whats wrong. i scream it all. entire class knows now.
ben says he didnt and wouldnt i tell ben you arent me you dont know what ive been through
i tell kyle to give me my bracelet back, he tells me he is going to kill himself.
i scream at him and tell him if he is dead i can not hate a dead man.
ben says he didnt. ben says he tried to kill himself.
i stop screaming, i get sad. i cant imagine a world without kyle.
i lost him to depression i wasnt going to lose him to death. a never coming back place.
i begged him i called and cried and and begged and begged please more time kyle.
he stops and says i got one more day. i cried. i had gotten another day.
i am tired and i spend the rest of the evening trying to breath.
i go online he is on.
talk to me. he is betrayed i hurt him and made him want to kill himself.
i didnt believe him and he had always believed in me.
i cried. i needed him to believe me, i needed him to tell me he would take all my apologies back.
i just needed it.
and eventually through it all he did and i believed him.
and then went to bed.
i slept and woke up and realized i was still in pain, with memories its more painful.
and i waited i dressed covered my arms. what can i say, i hurt and i was hurting more everyday and it was the only way i know.
he brought up brandon and how brandon said i needed help. i do need help. that i never got.
and i wait to see him today. butterflies, he better be alive.
i see him, i want to tackle him and hug him. i almost do. he does look happy to see me, but i dont. i stop what if im hurting him with my caring. with my never ending love.
i say have a good class. people say they admire my level headness. i wonder why.
im not calm sometimes. friend says i might be bipolar. i cant care and hate someone.
i feel lonely and in love with someone who could never love me and i cant love him. not with all the pain. not with all the constant hurting.
i have memories of more than a year all enveloped with him. they wont disappear but i can start new ones where we are just friends.
he was my love and the only one i truely trusted not to hurt me and i believed him and i would wait for what feels for forever.
i can not trust people, i cant believe the promises someone tells you.
and the kids at school are talking bad about me.
cheap shots really like loose vagina from the sluts of the school.
to be honest its childish. loose vagina? yeah that stings...not. what am i scared of words spoken from someone who has had sex with more guys than jenna jameson? i think not.
i am tired of feeling in love and i just want to be able to breath and i want so much but i have no way of putting the pieces together.
November 17th, 2008
BAT testing, but because I got a 4 on both math and reading, I didn't have to do the BAT's.
We talked our way out of doing busy work, Ben ended up pushing the guy watching us.
three hours past, go to Creative Writing and me and David and Ryan were talking about animals.
Went looking for Kyle to find him for lunch, never found him.
Went to AP World and wasn't too happy to go to Chemistry, but went none-the-less.
Day was over, walked up somewhat with Kevin and then got in the car.
I had to pee really badly.
Got home, and watched some television.
Then about an hour later, I had a panic attack, caused by nothing and it lasted for 30 minutes.
It was so depressing and scary and I hate having an anxiety attack.
worst feeling: anxiety attack..
Life so far.
him: tell me what happened.
me: i dunno, i just, well to be honest, i have been feeling rejected and it takes a toll on you and i just broke down and cried.
him: well you shouldn't, i just can't pay attention to you all the time, i mean i am trying to do something and you are like freaking out.
me: its not that, like you don't talk to me or look at me and don't say you aren't talkative because you talk to everyone but me.
him: i thought we both said we were listeners.
me: we did.
me: so where are we?
him: [shakes head] i dunno.
me: what are you thinking?
him: [shakes head]
me:well where are we?
him: i dunno.
me: where do you want it to be?
him: where do YOU want it to be?
me: i asked first
him: what do you mean? like in the future?
me: what does that mean?
him: like in the future.
me: like in a year? two weeks? four days? one hour? two seconds?
me: [looks around]
me: so where are we?
him: i don't want to hurt you
him: i can't be what you want
me: what do YOU want?
him: i dunno
me: okay what are the things we have to fix?
him: well you being less needy and well i have a lot on my plate
me: so i am inconvenient?
him: no not all the time
him: well sometimes i have to change my plans for you.
me: so i will be less inconvenient.
me: and how am i needy?
him: the hand holding.
me: i don't want to hold your hand 24/7
him: it seems that way.
me: okay so be less inconvenient and not be so needy...gotcha
him: and me?
me: how about more communication..in general.
[everyone looks depressed and silent and horrible]
him: [eats sandwich]
me: we good?
him: sort of.
me: how you feelin'?
him: [shakes head]
Mood: foreshadow :[
5th of November
v for vendetta :]
"Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I know of no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot…"
:] Yeah!! Okay well today was pretty good, got some good I mean GOOD drugs for my cramps I mean oh boy! thank you Cheyenne. They kicked in in 5th hour and I got them in 3rd hour :]. I was just about to die and then BAM! feeling good.
Had a super good lunch with Kylie and then I totally bombed my AP essay :[, but I knew I wasn't going to ever do well on it.
Oh, staying at my parent's house and you know I feel really good today,
*SOOOO HAPPY TO GET MY PERIOD :DD!!!*
Mood: SOOO GOOD
knight in shining armor or metal bucket filled with vomit?
i had a really good day, kind of odd like something bad will happen because i got this super great day :[
okay...here we go.
what i was thinking about in class: assignment- explain what has happened in picture [ boy sitting on dirt road looking away from camera man]
I'm not really sure how things ended up this way. Sorry, I do. I really do. I have no idea how it got this far, but I do know it was different this time. As she laid on the floor starring up at me, I knew she was different. More special, more in love with me. I knew that she saw me for me.
Her eyes, brown, golden, her unique windows. No one had eyes like Belinda, no one's eyes that shone like hers outside. Ovals of amber and muddy brown, perfect. No one had the brown skin that shimmered and when she laid by the trees at lunch, the sun reflected off like glints of sparkle. And no one had the ability to make me love them like she did. She was my love, Belinda IS my love. Forever I think. She starred up at me and I rocked back in forth clutching her purse, she starred for hours as if even in death she couldn't stop looking at me, even lying breathless in my room for hours, she would never feel the way she felt about me with anyone else.
Rodger!! I heard my mother shout; she never really left me alone anymore, and never let me have people like Belinda. She pushed the door aside and stopped in mid inhale. "Rodger!! What the hell?!? Again? How cou-. never mind it doesn't matter. How long has she been here?" she spitted the words out as if she was so frustrated at me. As if I annoyed her. Don't call Belinda "she". Her name is Belinda and I love her and don't. STOP looking at looking at me like she is just another girl!!!
She looked at me and knelt by Belinda, she checked her pulse, always with the pulse. That’s my mother. She looks up at me; I knew what she was thinking, another one dead, and another body to hide.
“Get out Rodger! Get out now!” she stood up, swept off her knee length skirt and screamed at me again. “GET OUT NOW!”
Where am I supposed to go? You want to take Belinda away from me!! I KNOW!!! You can’t take her, you took all the rest, and I have no where to go mommy…mommy please don’t make me leave, I have no where to go. NO WHERE!! Don’t make me leave, please.
“Rodger I have to get rid of he- I mean Belinda, I have to keep you safe, honey. Run! Run to the docks, please. Rodger run!!! NOW, GET OUT!! If you stay here, I will never be there for you; I will leave if you do not. NOW GO!!” she turned, not looking at me and starred at Belinda. She pulled the purse out of my hands and I turned on my heels. I ran.
I knew she would come to get me; I just had to wait for her. She would pick me up at the docks. I always wondered why it was called the docks, it was a dirt road driven down by people who came out here to smoke, have sex, or just I dunno run from the dead Belinda laying in their bedroom as their mother picked her up and threw her is some garbage heap. Oh god. She was going to throw her in a heap.
I walked down the street, down the isolate roads thinking of my beloved Belinda, my love. She would always be there for me. I somehow got to the docks, I made it. Now just to wait for mom. She would be here, she would come back and smile at me and we would go down to Miami subs and we would act as if the person never existed. I couldn’t imagine that now though, Belinda was my true love. Not like Erica or Casey or Karen or Janice or Bani or Marcy or Jocelyn. Belinda was different.
When mommy would come to pick me up, I will demand her to take me to Belinda and that we will not be going to Miami subs…wait yes we will go but we will act like this did happen!! I would put my foot down. Yes! I will just sit and wait for her.
It’s getting really dark out, I glance at my watch, it’s covered in smears of eyeliner. Moonlight blue, Belinda’s color. It makes me smile as I wipe it away with my fingertips. My moonlit Belinda blue. It’s too dark to see anything in the night. No moon, no clouds, no stars, only me and the sound of a truck roaring down the dirt road. I wait.
Mood: im tired of this life